


All I know at the end of the day

by Sisusen



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: (again just a bit), Anal Fingering, Anger, Angry Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Barebacking, Biting, Bottom Harry, Closeted Character, Explicit Language, Fighting, Friendship/Love, Frottage, Gay Panic, Hair-pulling, Love Confessions, M/M, Neck-Kissing, Pining, Sad Louis, Scared Harry, Scared Louis, Snogging, Top Louis, a bit of, and, bitter harry, blowjob, like just a bit ok, mentions of ex-gf hannah (sorry hannah!), mentions of the coming baby, oh god i have totally forgotten how to tag!, some kind of weird sad foreplay im so sorry i dont know what happened there!, they are both frightened i suppose, um, what is it called when the timeline is adding up?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-19
Updated: 2016-01-19
Packaged: 2018-05-15 01:14:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5766337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sisusen/pseuds/Sisusen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis is scared and tries to be straight. Harry is sad and sees right through him. They were together, now they´re not. One day a friendly discussion turns into a fight, things are working out after that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All I know at the end of the day

**Author's Note:**

> I stood in my kitchen doing the dishes three days ago and in my head I heard Harry and Louis have a heated argument. I´m sure that happens to everyone! I tried to ignore it, but it needed to be written. And after an argument, what comes next? That´s right kids - sex! 
> 
> Enjoy!

**June 2015**

"Say something... Please?"

Louis desperately needed Harry to talk to him. To just say a word, one single word would be enough for now, to let Louis know what was going on inside his brain. They had been sitting next to eachother in the empty tour bus for almost thirty minutes now, Harry calm and properly with both feet on the floor whilst Louis had been up and down times and times again, finally slowing down sitting with one leg tucked under him, facing Harry´s side. Louis felt like he was burning up inside. Ten of the minutes on the bus had gone to him nervously fidgeting and focusing on everything else than to actually begin to speak to Harry, ten minutes had gone to him actually telling Harry - every word weighed on a golden scale - what had been eating him up for the past week... and these last horrid ten minutes had gone to Harry being absolutely dead quiet.

Louis thought he would actually throw up if Harry didn´t speak soon, he felt naseous and dizzy and also refused to think particulary much about exactly why Harry´s reaction seemed so important to him.

He opened his mouth again to once again beg Harry to speak, when Harry leaned forward in his seat, put the palms of his hands together in a prayer gesture to rest his mouth onto his pointerfingers.

Louis closed his mouth. He felt another wave of nausea roll through him, nervous but happy that Harry at last seemed to think about answering him.

The disappointment hit him like a rock when Harry in a low voice said.

"I don´t... Louis, I... I need to get out of here."

It´s not like Louis had expected Harry to cheer and jump around and hug him. No. He had dreaded the conversation for a reason, he knew it would be awful from the beginning to the end and he had tried to prepare himself of it, but never could he ever have predicted how miserable it would make him fel. And how emotionless Harry would sound to him.

He didn´t even want to think about what Harry was feeling right now. All he could feel was his own panic, ´always the egocentric one´, Harry had told him so many times, laughing, so because of that, he lounged forward, to stop his friend who was slowly standing up to leave. In the last second, Louis halted, and his hand stopped awkwardly in mid air, and Harry could freely get up and start to walk to the door.

"Harry, please..." Louis said, voice cracking up, but Harry, now with his back to Louis, walking closer to the exit, just put up his hand, and Louis fell quiet.

 

  
**August 2015**

"Oh god, I just realized, can you believe how many questions you´ll get about being a stay at home-dad when our break is announced!" Niall laughed and rolled his eyes.

Harry froze. This subject again. He was used to the fact by now, he treated the girl with a smile and some respect, but he couldn´t go much further than that.

He made himself occupied with adding songs to Liam´s spotify list instead, hoping the boys would have started talking of something else when he´d mentally join the group again.

A few minutes later, and him successfully helping Liam out with a lot of good music, he leaned back in his chair to find where they were.

"Yeah sure..." he heard Louis say, a bit hesitant "if I make it I will, obviously, but I´ve told her to maybe not count on me. She´s okay with it though, she will bring her mum however I get there or not..."

Harry felt it like Louis wasn´t very comfortable talking about this, but he couldn´t care less. Had it been anyone else, had it been some other cringeworthy subject, he´d make it his life mission to take the poor one out of it, but this just still was so hard for him. Everytime the subject came up he felt so out of place, like he was living some other poor bastard´s life, and not his own.

When Liam asked if Louis and the mother to be had talked about baby names yet, Harry got up to leave. While entering the room he felt someone´s eyes burning in his back. He didn´t turn around to see whose it was.

 

**September 2015**

"Look, Harry, I don´t expect you to cheer and make a toast for her. But... You know, everyone knows you love babies and pregnant women. People are starting to talk about why you don´t give her any attention, like, now when she came to our concert..."

Harry just stared at Louis. For a really long time, Louis thought, and felt himself wanting to shrink more and more in front of him. Then Harry spitted out "Are you actually serious right now? Is this what YOU think, or did THEY put you on this mission? Mission Stop Larry-rumours, attempt number 54395? I can´t believe you! I... I can´t believe you!"

He didn´t stay around long enough to listen to Louis´ miserable go for an answer. Louis was in a way thankful, because every single word would´ve fallen flat to the ground.

 

**December 2015**

"Hey H, can I come over for a bit?"

"Sure, what´s up?"

Louis swallowed and answered "Um... I just wanted to talk to you about a thing. Um. So you´re home?"

"Yeah yeah, I´m home, come whenever you want."

"Okay, I´m actually right outside, I´m just gonna park the car, that´s okay?"

Harry barked out a laugh. "Right outside?? Have you been sitting in your car like a spy for an hour until seeing Mrs Stone leave?"

Louis laughed along with Harry, not either confirming our denying the statement, but to be honest that was exactly what he´d done. Harry had apparently been buying more art for his house, and Mrs Stone, the woman working at his favourite art gallery, arrived just as Louis did.

"I´m gonna ring your door bell within eight seconds, please hang up and go open for me!" he just said, trying to force a lighter mood on himself.

...

Louis inhaled deeply as he sat down next to Harry on his livingroom cough. The view over the Pacific was magnificent this time at night but despite that, he wished in some kind of childish way that he could just close his eyes to make all difficult things to go away.

A few seconds later he forced himself to realize that all of his decisions was his own, things happening in his life in many ways was because of his own choices, and closing his eyes to make for things to magically work out simply wasn´t a realistic way of dealing with his troubles.

"How are you?" Harry said, sounding a bit worried. "Are you okay? Is the baby okay?" he added then, now with a bigger concern in his voice. The baby was still a detail in Harry´s life that hurt, but at the same time he he was honestly caring about this little one, who would be a big part of his friend´s life. He sat himself up more straight and tried to meet Louis´ eyes.

Louis had planned this conversation in detail, feeling almost as dizzy and nauseus as that horrible day in June, but all his rigorously thought out words just disappeared and he ended up spluttering out "I´ve got a girlfriend.". And then, there was waiting.

Or not. Apparently.

He had expecting Harry to be quiet, just as he´d been in that June day, just like he´d been ever since, this slightly bit more still and quiet, a slightly bit more sad and reserved. He hadn´t quite expected this.

Because instead of Harry seeming sad and disappointed, not finding the right words to react to this with, he actually let out a dry and sarcastic laugh, and then said "Okay babe, is it another long-legged brown-haired beauty? What´s her name? I´m dying to meet her! Is she fulfilling all your straight needs? Are you happy together? Oh, and is she excited of becoming a step mum?"

With every word, Harry sounded more and more mocking and Louis felt more and more belittled. His first instinct were to be angry, he felt fury rise within him, but it was quickly exchanged to nothing else but pure sadness.

He got up to leave, said "I´ll find my way out." and that was that. The first moment of almost four weeks of not talking to each other.

Those four weeks ended in January 2016.

 

**January 2016**

"No, all I´m fucking saying is you could´ve used a condom! How hard can it be? Or does it come with the whole young straight popstar-package, to find a pretty blonde and do her without any protection, getting a baby in a whole different part of the world to pay for its whole life? You know, I hate to bring up old memories, but you refused to do me our first time without wearing a condom! What´s the difference? You fuck boys with a rubber, but girls without, or?"

Harry was furious. He wanted to say so many mean and ugly things, and had to bit his tongue every other second to stop any really mean things to come out but it was hard.

Louis was possibly even more furious. He had tried to make things alright with Harry, they had had a good evening, Louis had spontaneously invited Harry, Liam and Niall and a few other friends to his house for a nice Friday evening together, not with the intent to talk about this, but as the night had went on, the two had came closer and closer to the subject. And now, at 2 o clock in the morning, all other boys going home since long, sensing a big hopeful cleanse of air coming up, Harry and Louis stood in front of eachother screaming, both trying to behave and keep their calm and respect, but the both failing rigorously.

"You´re the only boy I ever fucked, and you know that! I used a fucking rubber our first time and a lot after that because I was scared to death to hurt you in any way, so cut all that crap with me fucking boys and girls to left and right!"

"Yeah, sure, I forgot, Mr Straight had a little confused period in his life, where he was experimenting with yours truly, but now that´s all forgotten about, when he gets girlfriend after girlfriend and even proves his manlyhood with one night stands! You know, I remember once, you said that people who were out sleeping with random people they never met before was slutty. Did that change, or is that still a heavy opinion, it just doesn´t apply on yourself?"

"I never called you slutty! You know very well I didn´t, I was just worried, and wished something better for you!"

"Something better? Something better than a one night stand, a quick shag between one city and the other? You wished better for me than that? As I remember, that guy who was doing me when you knocked on my hotel door, was a nice guy, he could´ve been my something better, you know? But you scared him away, I never got the chance to see if he could´ve been my everlasting love. Fuck, I´ve never seen you so protective over anyone, not before and not after. I didn´t even get to come, you know! I had to usher you out, after you had had your little talk to me about respecting myself more, and wank, alone in my bed! You wanna know who I was thinking about, doing it?"

"Harry, stop it! Just fucking stop it, okay!"

"You don´t wanna know? Well, I bet that´s because you already do, yeah? I was thinking of you Louis. You. It´s always been you and I hate you so much for for throwing away what we had, do you realize that?"

Tears were quickly rising in Harry´s eyes now and he blinked them away, hoping that Louis wouldn´t notice. Now was absolutely not the time to turn into a sobbing mess. It felt so so good being angry, and getting it all out on the right person. His mum and friends have had to listen to him too much over the years.

"Harry, listen to me! Please just fucking stop!"

"You´re such a bloody coward! First you break up with me, because you couldn´t handle being in the closet, then you agree to a fake girlfriend! I´ve been having so much hope on you to change your mind and come back to me, you have no idea! And then, when El´s out of the picture, I see you on the tabloids, awkwardly kiss random girls, and then you actually go out and fuck one! How did it feel, Lou?? I really wanna know! Was it good? Did she feel nice? Or was it like when you were 17 and tried it with Hannah? Did you have to think about boys this time too?"

Harry knew he was walking on very thin ice, he could be as angry as he wanted, but to actually bring up things Louis had told him in confidence was low, even for him right now.

Obviously, he kept going.

"Did you pretend she was a boy, and you fucked his tight little ass? Did you keep your eyes closed the whole time, mentally applauding yourself for being such a manly man, while trying your best to pretend she was a boy so you at all would be able to finish?"

"Harry, I´m serious. Stop talking." Louis said, teeth gritted and Harry could se his fists were clenching and unclenching.

"Louis, I´m genuinely curious." Harry kept spitting out words he couldn´t stop, it felt awful and liberating at the same time and his from anger pounding heart spurred them on. "Does thinking of boys while you fuck girls, make up to the fact that you are weak and spends all your days running from your feelings, hm?"

"I swear Harry, if you don´t shut up, I´ll.."

"...You what?" Harry interrupted. "You´ll hit me? I can see you´d really like to, your pretty little hands clenching up, getting ready to fight. Or something else maybe, you´ll call your girlfriend and get in her bed 15 minutes from now to have a hot steamy closed-eyes-thinking-of-boys-session? Who do you usually think of Lou, I´m curious! I would love to know! Is it someone we know? Or is it some celebrity? I know you fancy Tom Daley, is he the man in your head when you´re performing?"

At that, something snapped inside of Louis, and suddenly all he could feel was rage and frustration and sadness and regret and all he wanted to do was put all Harry´s words to a stop. He put both his hands to Harry´s chest and pushed him, hard, so he stumbled backwards and hit his back against a wall. Louis quickly followed him, and in a low voice he said "Stop it.".

Their faces were mere inches from eachother, Louis stared at Harry, who abruptly stopped talking and stared back at Louis. Louis had red angry blotches all over his neck, he was panting from with how angry he was and then he did a small, almost invisible movement with his head, just the tiniest bit, as if he were to kiss Harry. Harry didn´t move, still didn´t say a thing, but he knew Louis in every way possible, and what he was seeing in front of him was his friend, his first real love, the person he still loved and wanted, crumble, hesitate, doubt his choices, and Harry suddenly didn´t know if he wanted him to. Everyday for the last three years he had been dealing with his broken heart in all the ways he knew of, some days were easier, some harder, and this moment, right now, was dreadful. He wanted Louis so much, but what would be left of him if something would happen between them now, and tomorrow Louis would take a deep breath, excuse himself, and go back to his "straight life"?

Harry were just about to push himself off of the wall, in a hurry to leave Louis, in a hurry to quickly leave their mess of a fight and try to not fuck things up more, when Louis with a determined look in his eyes leaned in and pressed his lips to Harry´s.

All the plans of leaving, all his fears of the future and over again having to deal with his emotions, were wiped away instantly from feeling Louis against him again after all this time and he felt himself melting against the wall, he heard himself making some kind of sound, from deep down in his chest, and he tried to decide if it was wise to give in to what was possibly happening but his brain seemed to have stopped working. He desperately searched for the best possible reaction to this situation, but everything inside him screamed "Louis!!" so loud that no other thoughts were able to come through.

He decided to go with his gut feeling, he could usually trust that, and when he did now, he realized that it was just that, who screamed the very loudest and with that, there were no longer any hesitation.

Harry gave in totally to the kiss, put his hands in Louis hair and then Louis´ hands found the sensitive skin on the back of Harry´s neck and oh god, it felt like they hadn´t been apart at all, not for a minute, not for an hour, definitely not for three years. Their hands and bodies came alive in seconds and neither of them were thinking anymore, just going on emotions and instinct. Louis´ hair was longer now, Harry knew this of course, but for his hands, this felt new and exciting and he couldn´t stop carding his finger through the lenghts of the dark hair. Without thinking, he slowly made one of his hands into a fist and the more the hair was tightened between his fingers, the more needy, almost sobbing sounds, it elicited from Louis and far away, in the back of his head, Harry wondered if it was possible to faint from being too turned on. When Louis firm but slowly started grinding up against him, he decided that it was impossible, because if he didn´t faint from this, he´d probably manage everything.

He met Louis´ movements and when Louis between one breath and another quietly whispered "Bedroom?" Harry panted "Yes yes yes..." into his mouth and without letting eachother go, they got themselves into the bedroom.

Standing in the dark room, only lightened up by a single lamp by the bed, Harry suddenly felt some little sting of doubt, somewhere far away inside of him, but pushed it away, and started kissing Louis again, then undressing him until all he had on was his boxers. He didn´t wanna doubt this, he didn´t wanna look for logic, he was savoring this and when Louis suddenly stilled for a second and hesitantly said "Harry...?" he just shook his head and pulled Louis to him by crooking his fingers in the hem of the boxers. Whatever Louis had planned to say or ask were forgotten when Harry cupped his hands around his bum and a minute later Harry too was undressed.

...

"Let me... let me just..." Louis mumbled where he was hovering over Harry in the bed, and then he kissed Harry one last time on the lips, to proceed with kisses on his jawline, on his neck - a lot of kisses on his neck - all over his chest and stomach and when he reached Harrys boxers he halted for not even half a second before pulling them down and all the way down and off.

Harry was so turned on he was positively shaking when Louis closed his lips around the tip of his cock and he almost felt like crying while slowly entering the warm wetness of Louis mouth and when Louis let him slide out again to just lick at the tip, Harry groaned loudly, clenching his hands in the bed sheets.

"You okay...?" Louis said and Harry could only nod and relax his legs a bit more, letting them fall to the sides to show Louis that yes, yes god yes it´s so so much more than okay!

Louis put his mouth on Harry again, and from all the people Harry´d been with over the years, this was lightyears away from all of those, combined, and he moaned loudly and again, a bit more desperate, carded his fingers through Louis´ hair.

Louis put his right hand around the shaft and pulled up and down in a matching pace as his mouth and Harry thought he was seeing stars when that hand slowly slided down to push just the slighest bit against his hole. Without thinking, Harry tried to ground down on the small touch Louis gave him, but he wouldn´t even push in the fingertip. Sweaty from arousal and his tries to feel any kind of penetration, he grunted frustrated and wondered what was taking Louis so long. As far as he remembered him, he used to be so eager and quick, never could wait to be inside Harry.

´Maybe he just matured a bit´ Harry feverishly thought to himself while waiting for Louis to please - please! - take it all further.

After a few more minutes of Harry inside Louis amazing mouth and then, Louis leaning over Harry to reach some lube in his nightstand, Louis at last pushed in one finger, slowly, slowly. Harry wanted to scream, he was so frustrated, he could take more and he could take them faster than this, but it was like Louis was scared to go any faster.

"Please Lou, please... more..." Harry said and he definitely could be embarrassed over how needy he sounded, but he chose not to be.

"I don´t wanna hurt you..." Louis just answered, but Harry could feel him lightly touch his rim with one more finger.

"God Louis, you won´t hurt me, please, just... Just, please!" Harry panted and pushed some damp strands of hair out of his eyes, he lifted his bum, chasing the feeling of Louis fingers inside him.

"Harry, I´m... I´m sorry, I´m so sorry for how I´ve treated you..." Louis said while pushing in the second finger fully.

"What... what are you talking about...? Are you - unhh - apologizing, now?" Harry felt almost angry, parallel with a bit lightheaded from the feeling of two fingers inside him, instead of one. "Babe... It´s... it´s okay. You were just scared, yeah?"

Harry hoped that his response would not sound only horny and frustrated but also comforting. He could see Louis was a bit ambivalent, and he wanted to help him along.

"Harry, you´re the most amazing human being I´ve ever met, and I... You just deserve everything in the world... You never deserved what I put you through and I... I just... I´m sorry..." Louis said, while looking at Harry and slowly inserting a third finger.

Harry´s body bent so much that it actually made his lower back lift from the mattress and he moaned loudly. He felt like was in a parallel universe, one where you got fingered so so good, but also apologized to at the same time. It felt really bizarre but he could see that Louis was in serious distress.

"One more finger." he begged, and then tried to comfort Louis by explaining that he had felt hurt but he hoped that he was slowly recovering from it.

Louis wouldn´t give him a fourth finger and neither did he do any move to decide to go on to actually fuck Harry. He just sat there on his knees, between Harry´s legs, looking like he was contemplating all evil in the world, while he was pushing three fingers in and out of Harry and moving his other hand up and down over his dick.

"Babe... Hey, Louis. Are you afraid? Why aren´t we... um... You know...?" Harry asked and tried to meet Louis eyes.

"I can´t..." Louis answered with a sad look on his face. "It´s like... I´m so scared of hurting you, in every single way, even this feels scary! I was always so eager with you, when we had sex, always rushing things, never gave you the time you possibly needed, and then I just left, just ended all we had, and - "

"Louis. Stop!" Harry interrupted Louis. "Yes you were eager and yes you might´ve been rushing things, but we were so young, didn´t know better, yeah? It never felt bad, I promise you, it always felt so so good with you. Obviously you realized now that maybe prepping someone takes a bit more time and patience but I swear, love, you never hurt me when we were together. You were always so good to me, okay? Leaving me was... Um, well, that wasn´t the happiest period in life, but, you obviously did what you felt you had to do, okay? It´s shit to regret things, you just do what your heart tells you, and that should be enough, yeah?"

With that, Louis poured some more lube on his fingers with a determined look on his face, and then slowly pushed in one more, and once the fourth one was fully in, Harry panted between gritted teeth "Louis, please, just... Louis fuck me now instead, I promise I´m ready, please, I need you so much!". After this, it was like Louis changed his whole mindset, for the fingers were quickly gone and Louis was on top of Harry and before even really realizing it was happening, he was inside him. Harry groaned loudly and squeezed his eyes shut, Louis groaned and buried his face in the crook between Harrys neck and shoulder, Harry raked his hands down Louis back and Louis whispered "Harry... I love you... I want you back." but all Harry could answer was "Louis, please... not now, please..." and it didn´t take many minutes until Louis came hard inside of Harry, moaning and biting down on his shoulder and Harry hissed and thought that that´s gonna make bruises that´s gonna be hard to explain tomorrow.

...

"Harry... Please, let me finish you off, yeah?" Louis asked softly while catching his breath, still lying on top of Harry, still inside him, still attached in the most intimate way there was, but slowly getting softer.

Harry nodded, he was so hard he was aching, and Louis scooted down, backwards over the whole bed, to sit on his knees on the floor, and then he waited for Harry to follow him. He hadn´t been on his knees, waiting for Harry like this, for so long and he felt that this was where he was always suppose to be.

The weight of Harry on Louis´ tongue was heaven-sent and once again Louis got to work, with hands and mouth. Once again Harry tangled his hands up in Louis hair and Louis couldn´t help but start touching himself, in the same pace he was sucking Harry off. 

 

 

 

Then, with Harry pushed deep down his throat, Louis made a restrained sound that made Harry pull his hair so hard that Louis actually had to lift his bum up a bit from where it had been seated on his heels, and then there were nothing more existing in any their universes that didn´t consist of the other and only the other and their sound and their smell and their taste and the heat from their bodies and the way their skin felt to the other.

...

Louis was alone when he woke up. Beside him, on the pillow that could have been Harry´s was a note.

"I need you to think, and think more, and think again. And when you are done thinking, I need you to think some more.

If you want me, I´m yours. Get in touch when you decided once and for all. -H"

...

Two days later, Harry received a text.

"I love you, I have always loved you and I will never stop loving you. I want to be with you and I will do everything in my power to not hurt you again, but I need your support to dare to be out and free. Will you be with me on every step of the way? Louis."

**Author's Note:**

> The baby was born a few weeks later but it turned out it wasn't Louis', yay!! :D


End file.
